Today...

...my "baby" is graduating from kindergarten!

I seriously think I am going to cry! This year has been an amazing year for her, and our family is so thankful for her teacher. (Okay, I AM crying now!)

When I look at who Mandy is, I am in awe. When she was so sick and in and out of the hospital her first year of life, I had difficulty looking past the immediate situation and into the future. I wish I could've had just a glimpse at who she is today as it would've helped me better cope with the realization that her illness was a temporary part of her life and didn't define who she was. Except for the surgical scar on Mandy's right side and the PICC line scar in her left arm, there are no visible traces of her illness. God has certainly been good!

Here is a picture of Mandy,leading her classroom in the song "Amazing Grace."



As a parent, it truly doesn't get any better than to see your child growing in God!

PS In case you were wondering, the job that I am going to start is as an RN in the NICU at a children's hospital near me

"Nope, not at all!"

Those were the words Mandy spoke to me this morning when I asked her if she would miss me when she was at school (kindergarten). Her confidence and excitement for school thrilled me; her lack of caring that I wouldn't be there made me sad. Does she not remember when I couldn't walk away from her without her crying for me? When the only place she wanted to sleep was in my bed (well, okay--that was last night; in case you're interested, she slept in HER bed!) I remember the first time I left her in nursery and didn't get a page to come get her; now she's in kindergarten--mandatory school, 5 mornings a week!

Her lack of missing me made me think about my relationship with the Lord. While we celebrate and are thrilled that Mandy can separate from us and gain independence, do I (wrongly) do that with the Lord? Am I so confident of my abilities and my skills that I don't call upon the Lord for help? Do I feel that I'm mature in my faith that I need Him less?

Sadly, the answer to many of those questions is "yes." My reliance on the Lord needs to be the same reliance that Mandy once had upon me: Dependent on Him for every need, want, and desire. Just as Mandy used to cry for me if I left the room, so I should cry out for the Lord during the times I can't see Him clearly.

When Mandy made it ever so clear that she would not miss me, I hurt a little bit. When I picked her up from school and she didn't want to share everything about her morning with me, I hurt a little more. I bet the Lord wants me to tell Him that I need Him; I know that He wants to hear about my day. Just as Mandy had no interest in what I did with my day, I often have that attitude of not wanting to know (or rather, not taking the *time* to know) the goodness of the Lord.

I must say, though, that I am extremely thankful that Mandy has learned to separate from me and Luke in a safe, comfortable, age-appropriate level. All part of helping to ensure that she doesn't live at home when she's 30! (Kayla, on the other hand, told me the other day that she did not want me to walk her to school; isn't 3 a little young to be embarrassed of your mom? Especially when you have a COOL MOM LIKE ME!)

Separation is a little painful (at least for this mom!), but in a parent-child relationship, it's healthy and part of the maturation process. When it comes to our relationship with the Lord, however, we need to have complete and utter dependence on Him. Only He can satisfy us and complete us!

Being a Father to the fatherless

I am finishing up my psych rotation and spent time last week observing men and women who had been through great trauma. The majority of the women there were victims of incest by their fathers. As I sit and listened to them talk, I was struck by how, even though they were adults and knew the behavior of their father was sick and wrong, they had nothing more than a desire to be loved and cared for by their dad in a "normal" way. They wanted a father figure--they deserved a father figure. I choked back tears as I thought of the relationship I have with my dad and the relationship my husband has with our girls.

One of the women in my program asked me how God could allow these horrible things to happen. I didn't have an answer for her, other than the traditional "we live in a sinful world and we have the freedom to make bad choices." That seemed to not satisfy either one of us. I was reminded of an old Amy Grant song "Ask Me"

I see her as a little girl
Hiding in her room
She takes another bath
And she sprays her mama's perfume
To try to wipe away
The scent he left behind
But it haunts her mind

You see, she's his little rag
Nothing more than just a waif
And he's mopping up his need
She is tired and afraid
Maybe she'll find a way
Through these awful years
To disappear

Ask me if I think there's a God up in the Heaven
Where did He go in the middle of her shame?
Ask me if I think there's a God up in the Heaven
I see no mercy, and no one down here's naming names
Nobody's naming names

Now, she's looking in the mirror
At a lovely woman face
No more frightened little girl
Like she's gone without a trace
Still she leaves the light
Burning in the hall
It's hard to sleep at all

'Til she crawls up in her bed
Acting quiet as a mouse
Deep inside, she's listening
For a creaking in the house
But no one's left to harm her
She's fin'ly safe and sound
There's a peace she has found

Ask her how she knows there's a God up in the Heaven
Where did He go in the middle of her shame?
Ask her how she knows there's a God up in the Heaven
She said His mercy is bringing her life again
She's coming to life again

He's in the middle of her pain, in the middle of her shame
Mercy brings life
He's in the middle
Mercy in the middle

So ask me how I know
Ask me how I know

Ask me how I know there's a God up in the Heaven
Where did He go in the middle of her shame?
Ask me how I know there's a God up in the Heaven
She said His mercy is bringing her life again

Ask me how I know there's a God up in the Heaven
Where did He go in the middle of her shame?
Ask me how I know there's a God up in the Heaven
She said His mercy is bringing her life again

That song, as great as it is, didn't totally satisfy me, either.

So, as I cried (a LOT) on Thursday night, trying to process all I'd seen and heard, I spent some time reading the Bible. It's amazing how Scripture can be so soothing to the soul. I read in Psalm 68:10 that God is a "Father to the fatherless, and sets the lonely in families." I claimed that verse for the women who were suffering; I prayed that though they would never have answers as to the whys of the abuse they suffered, that they would find God's ability to be their Father to be soothing to their aching soul.

The last part of the verse--how He sets the lonely in families--is very personal to me. God truly has a deep concern for the widows and the orphans. Some of you may not know this, but Luke and I made the decision after the birth of our last baby to not have any more children. Mandy was born with some pretty serious kidney issues, Kayla has minor kidney issues, and the genetic link is very strong that we could have additional children with minor or severe kidney issues. I also have some heart problems that we did not know about until Kayla was born, and the risk of another pregnancy was too great. But, Luke and I are not 100% convinced that our family is complete, so we are prayerfully considering adopting a child in a couple of years. The timing for us to do it now is not ideal; we are both in school, and adding yet another child to the mix is unfair to all involved. We are looking toward when the girls are old enough to be a part of the process. We are also considering international adoption, which adds quite a bit of cost to the mix.

What I have learned, over the past week especially, is that God is more than enough for everything--for all the hurt, trauma, and unknowns. For the women who are suffering from abuse by their father, He will be their Heavenly Father. For those who have no families, He will be their families. The hard part is believing that He's enough.