My family

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Being a Father to the fatherless

I am finishing up my psych rotation and spent time last week observing men and women who had been through great trauma. The majority of the women there were victims of incest by their fathers. As I sit and listened to them talk, I was struck by how, even though they were adults and knew the behavior of their father was sick and wrong, they had nothing more than a desire to be loved and cared for by their dad in a "normal" way. They wanted a father figure--they deserved a father figure. I choked back tears as I thought of the relationship I have with my dad and the relationship my husband has with our girls.

One of the women in my program asked me how God could allow these horrible things to happen. I didn't have an answer for her, other than the traditional "we live in a sinful world and we have the freedom to make bad choices." That seemed to not satisfy either one of us. I was reminded of an old Amy Grant song "Ask Me"

I see her as a little girl
Hiding in her room
She takes another bath
And she sprays her mama's perfume
To try to wipe away
The scent he left behind
But it haunts her mind

You see, she's his little rag
Nothing more than just a waif
And he's mopping up his need
She is tired and afraid
Maybe she'll find a way
Through these awful years
To disappear

Ask me if I think there's a God up in the Heaven
Where did He go in the middle of her shame?
Ask me if I think there's a God up in the Heaven
I see no mercy, and no one down here's naming names
Nobody's naming names

Now, she's looking in the mirror
At a lovely woman face
No more frightened little girl
Like she's gone without a trace
Still she leaves the light
Burning in the hall
It's hard to sleep at all

'Til she crawls up in her bed
Acting quiet as a mouse
Deep inside, she's listening
For a creaking in the house
But no one's left to harm her
She's fin'ly safe and sound
There's a peace she has found

Ask her how she knows there's a God up in the Heaven
Where did He go in the middle of her shame?
Ask her how she knows there's a God up in the Heaven
She said His mercy is bringing her life again
She's coming to life again

He's in the middle of her pain, in the middle of her shame
Mercy brings life
He's in the middle
Mercy in the middle

So ask me how I know
Ask me how I know

Ask me how I know there's a God up in the Heaven
Where did He go in the middle of her shame?
Ask me how I know there's a God up in the Heaven
She said His mercy is bringing her life again

Ask me how I know there's a God up in the Heaven
Where did He go in the middle of her shame?
Ask me how I know there's a God up in the Heaven
She said His mercy is bringing her life again

That song, as great as it is, didn't totally satisfy me, either.

So, as I cried (a LOT) on Thursday night, trying to process all I'd seen and heard, I spent some time reading the Bible. It's amazing how Scripture can be so soothing to the soul. I read in Psalm 68:10 that God is a "Father to the fatherless, and sets the lonely in families." I claimed that verse for the women who were suffering; I prayed that though they would never have answers as to the whys of the abuse they suffered, that they would find God's ability to be their Father to be soothing to their aching soul.

The last part of the verse--how He sets the lonely in families--is very personal to me. God truly has a deep concern for the widows and the orphans. Some of you may not know this, but Luke and I made the decision after the birth of our last baby to not have any more children. Mandy was born with some pretty serious kidney issues, Kayla has minor kidney issues, and the genetic link is very strong that we could have additional children with minor or severe kidney issues. I also have some heart problems that we did not know about until Kayla was born, and the risk of another pregnancy was too great. But, Luke and I are not 100% convinced that our family is complete, so we are prayerfully considering adopting a child in a couple of years. The timing for us to do it now is not ideal; we are both in school, and adding yet another child to the mix is unfair to all involved. We are looking toward when the girls are old enough to be a part of the process. We are also considering international adoption, which adds quite a bit of cost to the mix.

What I have learned, over the past week especially, is that God is more than enough for everything--for all the hurt, trauma, and unknowns. For the women who are suffering from abuse by their father, He will be their Heavenly Father. For those who have no families, He will be their families. The hard part is believing that He's enough.

More on marriage

Luke and I have really been praying over what our role is as Christians in a community where marriages are being destroyed. Do we keep silent? Do we shout out from the mountaintop that we made wedding vows?

Since neither of those approaches seemed quite what Christ would have us to do, we decided to do a number of things:

1) Evaluate our marriage. It does no good to try and encourage others when we ourselves are flailing. We found that we are overall really solid (although, we do have some things to work on).

2) Find accountability. This seems generic, but being accountable to other married couples is important. We encourage all of our married friends to hold themselves accountable to at least one other couple. If you start struggling in your marriage, let this couple know so they can pray, be an encouragement, and remind you of your marriage vows.

3) Make it our ministry focus. We have been leading a Bible study for a number of years with a group of relatively happy, stable married couples. We enjoy this and will continue to do so. On the other hand, we wrote our marriage mission statement before we got married that said we desired to minister to those who were hurting both emotionally and spiritually. Please be in prayer as we find out exactly how Christ wants us to do this. We have been praying through various avenues and are excited at the doors the Lord seems to be opening. Our specific target audience is Christian married couples as we feel that there is an accountability not only to each other, but also to the Lord.

Please be in prayer for us as we seek how God would have us minister to His people. Pray also for protection for our marriage; we know that Satan really wants to destroy marriages, and if we go out on to work with hurting people, we are a really easy target!

And, let us know how we can be praying for you!

Marriage

I've been thinking a lot about marriage and its importance recently. I have several peers who have been through a divorce (4 sets of friends). I would say that 3 had Biblical reasons--adultery/non-believing spouse leaving the marriage/etc. Another couple is getting divorced because they see their paths going in different directions. What I want to know is, for a couple that calls themselves Christians and is active in the church, why haven't you prayed for God to lead you in the direction HE wants you to. I don't believe that God would unite you in marriage to lead you in different ways.
In the Christian community, I feel that we have somehow gotten into this doctrine that "God wants me happy." Sorry, buddy--find THAT in Scripture for me. God wants us to be holy, set apart for Him. He wants us to be seeking after where He wants us to go in our lives. So, when we Christians aren't happy, we assume that we need to make drastic changes to get happy; what I would argue is that if we aren't happy, we aren't finding our identity in Christ. He wants us to rejoice in all circumstances--even the tough ones.

Luke and I joked last night that if we believed in the doctrine of happiness, we may have thrown in the towel some time ago (Luke joked we wouldn't have gotten married in the first place). What JOYS we would've missed, though! There have been some really difficult times in our marriage. What has kept us together is the commitment we made to the Lord both as individuals and as a couple. We publicly vowed we'd stay in this marriage until we were parted by death. There are times when people get divorced and I'm "okay" with it--abuse, adultery, a non-believing spouse leaving a marriage. But when people leave because they feel themselves growing apart, being led in two different directions, or because they just aren't in love anymore, you are going to find me challenging that person and reminding them of their commitment. What drew you to your spouse in the first time? Did you let go your your selfishness and try to please the other person, or were you so focused on yourself that you ignored the thoughts and feelings of the other?

For those who are Christians, remember that a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. If you find that the two of you are being broken, seek after the third Strand.

Any thoughts??